Last week novelist Timothy Schaffert spoke with Kurt Andersen about his new novel, The Coffins of Little Hope. The narrator is the 83-year old obituary writer of a small-town newspaper in Nebraska. As Schaffert said, the obituaries page in a small town “was where the drama was.”
Inspired, we asked you to provide the first sentence to your own obituary. Schaffert himself responded to the challenge: “He only faked his death, and is living comfortably in an exotic locale.” The responses — humorous, whimsical, and poignant — rolled in, and we asked the authors of our favorites to read them.
ONE-LINE OBITUARIES
We received lots of great one-line obituaries from our listeners. Some of our favorites are below.
Rodger Reid from New Preston, CT
Rodger has spent his whole life working toward this moment.
Susan Champlin from New York, NY
Everyone said she was nice, but they didn't know her that well.
Kim Dale from Chicago, IL
She disliked children until she had her own, who she loved so much she trembled.
Leon Zitzer from New York, NY
Rumble, young Jew-boy, rumble.
Tilly Gokbudak from Roanoke, VA
His father died on his thirteenth birthday on March 4, 1983, but Tilly Gokbudak somehow managed to live a happy and productive life anyway.
Rich Kelley from Brooklyn, NY
His jokes seem a lot funnier now that he’s gone.
Ginger Chamberlain from Alexandria, Virginia
Ginger’s family invites all to come raise a glass to say we will miss her terribly or thank goodness she's gone.
Featured Comments
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Fantastic interview. Love you, Alan! You were one of the main influences for me to get back into acting later ...
on Alan Cumming -
Really difficult to convey this as a "sound story" and it was done beautifully. Really compelling.
Comments [22]
I wonder ? if This casket has a garenteed no leakage for life? How are they going to check it in 2099 ??
I told you I was sick !
first line of my obituary
a man of kindnesses so gentle, they left no footprints
the first line of my obit would have to be,
"Butter got her"
thanks!
She claimed too much of life seemed to be spent in preparation for something unidentifiable; She has, at last, identified it.
He spent his infinite moment like a mouse floating in dishwater ; unborn and undying.
Humorous obit:
Frank finally bought the farm, after a decades -long battle with toe nail fungus; contributions may be made to the Fungus Foundation, Moldavia.
Blaire Treadway died in a bar fight that started with someone wishing her "Happy Bloomsday" knowing full well that neither of them had ever read the book.
Here she lies still surrounded by nitwits and idiots.
Thank you for coming to my funeral. I wish I could be with you today. Boy do I wish I could be with you today! But you might say I’m with you in spirit. At least I hope so!
"Rest in peaces."
(Since I will be donating as many organs as anyone needs.)
Sam, formally a young artist, now expects to receive money for his work.
First and only line of my obituary:
"Whew!"
My Obit: "Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic". Thanks, Van, so I have.
In late December 1998 Merna phoned her sister Suzie, advising her not to get her anything for Christmas in 2030 because she would be dying of the flu on December 20 that year, to which Suzie quipped that sounded ok if she didn't catch it next week and have it until then.
My Obit
Those who loved me I knew well,
The rest of you can go to hell!!
I KNEW this was going to happen!
He knew a little about a lot but not very much about anything.
Cynthia was her ornery self to the very, very end and, according to her estate attorneys, she insisted that she be quoted, and have engraved on her gravestone: "My problem was that I didn't whine enough."
(edit as you see fit. or not.) :-)
I reckon I had it coming.
Susan died of.......at the age of......
I hate when there is no age or cause of death listed. Please list mine! Pictures from the forties are so misleading!
First line of my obituary:
She fought entropy, and lost.
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