Voltaire probably didn’t foresee his famous quote – “I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death your right to say it” – applying to Spongebob Square Pants.
 
Spongebob Clip: “I’m ready!”
 
But there you go. That is the world, equal part stupid and scary, in which we live. A world where a cartoon character – a silly talking sponge who lives in a pineapple at the bottom of the sea – is reviled as a degenerate by religious and political leaders people take seriously.
 
Spongebob Clip: “I love my job at the Krusty Krab….”
 
And so even though I’ve never been a big Spongebob fan, now I have to go to his side of the barricade to defend to the death his right to say things like this.
 
Spongebob Clip: “…and I’m wearing three pairs of underwear right now!”
 
OK. Begin at the beginning. It started with a video for children, created after 9/11 to encourage tolerance for people who are different than we are, mainly tolerance people of different religions and races.
 
It’s not just Spongebob who appear in the video – it’s also Barney the Dinosaur and Winnie the Pooh and Big Bird and various Rugrats and about 100 other cutesy pie characters from television.
 
And next month this video is being sent out free to 61,000 elementary schools around the country Kinda treacly, maybe, and probably won’t really do much to make anyone more tolerant but harmless, right? Who could object?
 
Maybe some unbelievably foolish, intolerant people?
 
Two familiar figures have stirred the pot -- Donald Wildmon of the right-wing American Family Association and James Dobson of the right-wing Focus on the Family.
 
They’re calling the Spongebob and Barney and Winnie the Pooh thing a, quote, “pro-homosexual video.” One of Dobson’s underlings says it’s “an insidious means” for “manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids.” Even though the “We Are Family” video says nothing at all about gays or sex or sexual orientation.
 
I guess what aroused these people is the fact, according to a couple of newspaper articles a while ago, that some gay men around the country have made a campy fetish out of Spongebob.
 
Whatever.
 
On the other hand, though, maybe we should grant them their point. If Spongebob is soft on gay rights, and that represents among the most serious threats that we face as a culture, then we’ve got nothing to worry about.
 
Now, if it were just this once, only this Spongebob madness, I might say, “OK, one time, they went over the top, forget about it.” But in fact it’s become kind of an obsession with these people. Back in 1999 it was the Rev. Jerry Falwell saying the Teletubbies were gay. And before that it was a Pentecostal minister saying that Bert and Ernie were gay.
 
And then there’s the timing of the current controversy. It started at a speech at a black tie celebration in Washington DC, among like-minded politicians celebrating their rise to power, where Dobson made his big hoo-ha about Spongebob -- in other words in Washington, the night before President Bush delivered his inaugural speech that was all about spreading freedom and liberty around the world.
 
Can someone explain to me exactly how maximizing freedom and liberty -- which I’m all in favor of -- jibe with attacks on bland messages of tolerance delivered by cartoon characters?
 
I’m Kurt Andersen.

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